Fantasy vs. Reality 1: The Dread Apparatus.

I’m not very badass at all. I’m the size of a gerbil. I sound like Minnie Mouse with a cold. I like puppies and butterflies and things that are fluffy. I squee. I have a Happy Dance. I crochet shawls for a hobby, for crying out loud. This tends to result in the majority of Manly Men getting all protective and dufusy around me, bless their easily confused souls, and volunteering for much unnecessary lifting and carrying and flexing of muscles.

Every now and then, though, some prize asshole decides that he can score some manliness points by acting all Domly Dom and threatenish at me. Surprisingly, this happens most often online, where Shit gets sooooo Real. ’tis this sort of experience that makes me realise how much my real life pisses on people’s fantasy lives. Because some not-badass-at-all people still do DIY and gardening and forestry work and butchering and stuff that requires biteyscratchychoppymangly tools on a regular basis.

“Oh look, you’ve got a Big Bad Knife. I can totally see how very Big and Bad it is from the picture you just sent me. Shame it’s not full tang, and the welding on it is so blotchy that the damn thing would probably snap if you ever actually tried to stick it into anything. Oh, but that would also require sharpening it, which you clearly haven’t bothered doing. And the handle… are you going to wrap your hands in bandages before you use it, or wait until it’s ripped vast tracts of your skin? Tell you what, how about you just try to stab me with the sheath? It’d probably work better and be safer for you. I’ll give you three goes before I pick up the nearest screwdriver and see what I can do.”

“Hark at the mighty whip! That must have cost you a pretty penny from a specialist shop, hey. I’m sure you could put that to very good use – shooing off flies, mildly irritating a pony, that sort of thing. I’m going to stick to what I know, and if I have a need to whip someone I’ll just grab the nearest electrical item and hit them with the plug end of the cord.”

“Blades! You’ve got many, many blades! What a lucky boy you are! Shame you don’t appear to have the equipment that goes with them, like my industrial circular saw. This one here. With the diamond blade that can cut through concrete. Did you know that the human body is actually softer than concrete? No? Want me to demonstrate?”

Seriously kids, if you want to be all macho and shit, do try and make sure that the Dreaded Apparatus you so lovingly collect is at least the equivalent of what the average grandmother uses to do her gardening.

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