“Why won’t you go out with me?”

“Go out with me?”

Thank you, but no thank you.

“But I am male and you are female!”

You Tarzan, me Jane? How quaint. Howsoever, the fact that our plumbing is compatible is not a sufficient inducement for me.

“But I am right here!”

Alas, proximity is still not a sufficient inducement, and knowing that I meet your criteria by being “a vagina in your postcode” is kinda repulsive. I know I’m more speshul than special, but I still aspire to someone who wants me, not someone/anyone.

“But I like you!”

That’s nice, thank you. However, the level of your liking is not reciprocated.

“But we don’t have to have an actual relationship. You could just give me the pussy?”

Sorry, I wasn’t clear. I neither want to go out, nor in-and-out with you.

“But you have in the past given the pussy to X!”

Yes, I have. And to Y and Z too. Howsoever, I could have humped every letter of the alphabet and still not want to hump you. My decision to engage in coitus with new people is not affected by the fact that I have previously engaged in coitus with other people. Everyone gets evaluated as an individual. We’re neither in Iran nor in Victorian England; my standards haven’t dropped nor need to drop because I am no longer a maiden.

I gave the pussy to X because I wanted to. That’s the missing element here: I don’t want to give it to you.

“But that’s not fair!”

So, when did you become the mayor of Creepy Town?

Listen up and listen good: MY PUSSY IS NOT A PUBLIC SERVICE. There are no issues of “fair allocation”, because NOBODY IS ENTITLED TO ACCESS TO IT.

“So what’s he got that I don’t?”

Imagine a series of concentric circles. The largest circle is “people”. Then you get “male people”, “male people I know”, “male people I know and like”, “male people I know and like who are eligible”, and then and only then “male people I know and like who are eligible and I am sexually attracted to”, aka The Danger Zone. I am only willing to bonk people in The Danger Zone. And you, my man, are not only not there, but pushing yourself further and further away from it.

“Sexual attraction is a superficial and immature reason for getting into a relationship!”

Oh, to be sure. But sexual revulsion is a good reason not to want to let someone get in your pants.

“Relationships are not all about sex!”

Hmkay. So how about we have a relationship where we don’t have sex, ever? You know, like what we’ve having now?

“But you are currently single!”

Yes, that I am. However, I don’t have a desperate need to fill my life or my orifices with people just because of that fact.

“So you are saying that you’d rather be single than go out with me?”

Actually, this is what I’ve been doing my level best NOT to say for the last half hour. But yes, that’s about the gist of it.

“But why?!”

…and this is when things tend to really go south, because the question gives me two options: make some vague noises that won’t upset anyone’s feelings, or be truthful.

If you are vague: “That’s just bullshit! You don’t know what you want! No wonder you’re single!”

If you are truthful: “You’re a total bitch! No wonder you’re single!”


2 thoughts on ““Why won’t you go out with me?”

  1. IMHO, the title question is usually if not always unproductive, often counterproductive and arguably illegitimate.

    If I were still “on the market” I’d never ask that question. I’d just be openly thankful that she let me know the situation so I could now move forward.


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