Pick up advice to men be like

So you’ve spotted a female-looking person you wouldn’t mind inserting your appendages into. Do not let her get away! Female-looking people were put on this earth specifically for the parking of appendages, and this includes your appendages. Yes, you wouldn’t think that, not with the problems you’ve been having in finding anyone to bang who doesn’t require a cash payment upfront – me and you both! It may seem as if every time you get near someone you regard as an adequate slot they run away from you, or hit you with their purses. Do not let it dishearten you. Female-looking people are supposed to do that – they’re supposed to act as if they don’t welcome your attention. It’s, like, they way they are programmed or something. The problem is with them, not with you. You just have to learn to overcome their barriers. That’s literally why those barriers are there: so you can be overcoming them. How else can you become a conquering hero?

Your target is obviously busy and not wishing to be disturbed. You know this, because you’re not a complete social imbecile. You know how to recognise the signs emitted by someone who wants to be left alone. You know that if someone is sitting on a commuter train typing away at a laptop, or sprinting across a park wearing headphones, or juggling burning chainsaws as part of an art exhibit, those are hints that they are are a teeny tiny bit preoccupied with their own affairs and seek no interruptions. But you also know that social rules regarding how one deals with busy people are ridiculous, restrictive, societal impositions only fit for sheeple and Beta types. Yes, we only break them in our dealings with women, never with guys; but that’s completely immaterial.

What matters is that you know how the game is played, and you also know that you have to make your own rules. In this situation, you know that once you interrupt the task these women are busy with, you will not have to fight anyone or anything else for their attention. Every bit of attention they were devoting to their task, they will devote to you instead. It’s perfect!

Now, this is when we have to move from generalities to specifics. You need to make sure that your interruption is targeted to the activity at hand. For instance, if they are jogging, you need to stop them jogging. If they are listening to music, you need to make them take their headphones off. If they are juggling chainsaws… but you get the idea, right? You have to make sure that the activity they were engaging with is completely disrupted, so that you can become their sole focus.

In order to do so, you will have to be direct, maybe even forceful. Well, not FORCEful; the way things are these days, if you actually grab yourself a female people moan about it. Thank you, Feminism, for subverting the rules of nature! But you will have to clearly indicate to the female what you want her to do, or she might be too oblivious to oblige you. You know what they’re like, right? They don’t really know what’s going on half the time. So, for instance, if she’s running and wearing headphones you might have to clearly hail her to stop (make “stop” gestures with your arms, or block her path in some way); once you’ve stopped her, you will then need to make the appropriate gesture to indicate that you want her to take her headphones off (mimic taking headphones off). In this way you are not only explaining to her what she should be doing, so that she’s not bewildered, but also asserting your dominance. You are showing her right from the onset that you will be able to fulfil your role as Her Male.

Women need a man in charge, telling them what to do. Otherwise they grow nervous and confused. You’ve seen all those unattached women being skittish around you, right? Overreacting, panicking, running out of every room you walk into? Their problem is that they don’t have a male in charge. They are having to decide all on their own what to do and how to live. And as they’re plainly unsuited to that, the stress of it all makes them neurotic. If you don’t catch them young enough and put a stop to that, the condition can become permanent. That’s why you can bang women over 30, but then you have to release them back into the wild. By that age, they are ruined; their personalities and ideas are too fixed, and they cannot be trained properly.

You have to clearly indicate to your target that you are the man to spare her that terrible fate. That you are willing to insert yourself not only into her every orifice, but also into every aspect of her life; that you are both willing and capable of directing, instructing, and generally managing her. She needs to know that, once she accepts you into her life, she will not have to worry her pretty little head about anything much at all, other than pleasing you.

THIS IS CRITICAL: all the way through your interactions, it doesn’t really matter what you say; all that matters is how you say it. Women can’t really parse content. They’re like dogs, or toddlers; they respond to tone and body language. And, just like dogs and toddlers, they attack if they smell fear. YOU MUST NOT SHOW FEAR! Yes, you may be perfectly convinced that if you don’t give your end away before the week is out, it might explode. But you must not let your concerns transpire in your interactions. You must at all times display that you are confident; that you are an Alpha.

It doesn’t really matter if you know that you’re not an Alpha – that you’re not even a Beta, really. That, in fact, you’re someone so far down the alphabet that your schooling didn’t stretch to it. Who you are is immaterial: project confidence, even if you don’t have it. Pretend to be someone you are not, if needs be. After all, you’re not really lying: you know what a great partner you’d make, what a great guy you’d be, if only women weren’t so damn gatekeeperish about their own orifices. If they’d only let you take your proper place into their lives and into their, well, you know what I mean, then you would be amazing. Then you would be an Alpha, because being an Alpha is all about banging chicks. So it’s not just their fault that you’re not getting the sexytime you’re entitled to, but it’s also their fault that you can’t be the kind of person you want to be. They are literally gatekeeping you out of your proper place in the world.

So turn all that repressed anger and desperation into confidence. Make her see the kind of man you could be. And GET IN THERE, son. Your triumph will be a triumph for us all. Show her who you really are, even when you really aren’t like that at all.

If she turns you away, remind yourself that you’re doing the right thing: it’s the system that’s messed up. It doesn’t matter what she says. It doesn’t matter if all the women you approach say the same things, either: women don’t know what they want half the time, and even when they do they bloody lie about it. Listen to your fellow men; men like me. We’re all in this together, all joined in our frustration at this absurd state of affairs, all wishing we could rewind the clock to a time when women knew their place, and their place was beneath us.

And anyway, if she doesn’t want you she was a goddamn bitch who didn’t deserve you. You were only using her for target practice, weren’t you bro? Good on you.

 

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3 thoughts on “Pick up advice to men be like

    • WOW! That’s quite a find, thank you!

      Btw, I’ve been working steadily through Suzette Haden Elgin’s works… I started with the sci-fi, because I am weak, and then “The Grandmother’s Principle”, and now “The Gentle Art” series… Thank you SO MUCH. She went straight to being one of my top five writers. I just wish she’d written *more*!

      Like

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